White Christmas in Hawaii

I fell in love with and married a woman from Hawaii. Since all her relatives live there, I have been forced to make many trips over the years to these fair isles. Once again, I am obliged to spend this coming Christmas lying on the beach, hiking volcanoes, swimming with sea turtles, and other required activities. But all is not paradise for this mainlander. If there is one thing I've learned during my dozen or so trips to Hawaii, it's this: Hawaiians are strange!

Let's get one thing straight. When I say "Hawaiians" I mean all the local people who live there. Hawaii is a true melting pot, a complex mix of Native Hawaiians, Japanese, Chinese, Koreans, Okinawans, Filipinos, Puerto Ricans, Portuguese, and, believe it or not, quite a few caucasians (called "haoles" (pronounced "how-lees")). Their cultures and languages have mixed, resulting in a unique blend that takes some getting used to. Here's what this haole has learned:

The locals speak a difficult-to-understand dialect called Pidgin (developed so all the different cultures could speak to each other). For example, the phrase "da kine" (kine is pronounced like kind without the "d"), can mean almost anything. It can refer to a person, a place, thing or whatever the local person can't remember. So it is possible a local might say, "She wen da kind foa get da kine foa da kine." This means, "She went to (a place I can't remember) to get (something I can't remember) for (someone I can't remember). Perhaps the Hawaiians need some memory enhancers.

I don't recommend that tourists attempt to speak Pidgin. Believe me, I tried. Sometimes, it can get tricky. If a local says, "Eh, dat Duncan, he so lolo he wen call dat moke one mahu and he wen crack him an now he all bus up." This means, "Duncan foolishly suggested that this large Hawaiian man was a homosexual and he then physically assaulted Duncan beyond recognition." I guess I learned my Pidgin the hard way.

Hawaiian food, overall, is excellent. The first lesson is to not be worried when someone says "OH NO!" when eating. They are actually saying "ono" which means "delicious"!

However, there's a few food mines in the culinary landscape. Take poi. Or, rather, don't take poi. This is a traditional Hawaiian food that is essentially mushed taro root. It's as appetizing as it sounds. They make the tourists try it at luaus and stuff but, here's the secret, even the locals don't like it despite it's purple color and high nutrition.

Here's the funny thing: Hawaiians think SPAM is ono (delicious). SPAM, in this case, is actually a canned Spiced Ham product, although some think SPAM stands for "Something Posing As Meat." Most people in America and Europe remember SPAM as something people had to eat during World War II because there was nothing else edible. Hawaiians actually like it and eat more of it than the entire universe combined. They'll eat it with almost anything - SPAM sandwich, SPAM casserole, SPAM & eggs, etc. The most iconic item is the SPAM musubi, which is a slice of SPAM packed in rice, and, if that were not bad enough, they wrap it in seaweed. (Pretend you like it or they will be very upset with you!)

A big heads up: On the mainland we put "poo poos" in the toilet. In Hawaii, they put them in their mouths! That's right! A pu-pu platter is a tray of hors d'oeuvres that one brings to parties and such. So, don't be put off when the locals ask you to try their delicious "poo-poos" because they are just trying to be hospitable.

The Asian influence on the local Hawaiian culture is very strong. Asian culture emphasizes the importance of the group over the individual. In Hawaii, I have had to learn the art of going "back door" on things. This means getting what you want in a round about way (since being direct is considered very rude). It's funny seeing a group of people try to decide what restaurant to go to because, by that code, no one can push their own opinion strongly. By hint and innuendo, subtle suggestions are floated and tested. Whatever is decided, the important thing is that everyone agrees (even if no one particularly likes the restaurant in question). This is very frustrating to a hungry outspoken individualist like myself. I keep having to remind myself "Different, not wrong! Different, not wrong!"

Well, as you can see, this white man doesn't fit in too well into the Hawaiian milieu. I guess I could try a bit harder to adapt to the Hawaiian culture I find myself in this Christmas, but, frankly, I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.

And could someone tell me why everyone here is yelling "Mele Kalikimaka" at me? I'm sure it's something very rude.

Fewer

Everything I was ever taught as a kid about world population was wrong!

Why was that? Well, I grew up in the 60's and 70's and we'd just come off the greatest increase in world population in history. We know it, in this country, as the Baby Boom (1946-1964). It was natural that people would assume that those trends would continue and that our world population would grow exponentially resulting in overpopulation, the loss of precious resources, the ruin of the environment, wars, and more.

Those pundits got it wrong.

Why? Because since the 70’s birthrates have been falling dramatically, all over the world, and this will have profound consequences for everyone, in our lifetime. That's why I'd like to discuss some basics on world population and birthrates, some reasons for falling birthrates, and, most importantly, some consequences of falling birthrates.

3 Basics:

Basic #1: Overview: The world's population has, more or less, been growing continuously since the 1400's and the current population is approximately 6.8 billion people.

Basic #2: Birthrate: In this discussion I will use statistics about the birthrate per woman. So, if I say a country has a birthrate of 3, this means that in that country the average woman has 3 children over her lifetime.

Most demographers consider 2.1 to be the birthrate that allows a population to remain stable. Obviously, if 2 parents have 2 children, they replace themselves. However, you need the .1 more children, average, in order to allow for those children that do not survive to adulthood. 2.1 is an important level. If a country continues to have a birthrate above 2.1 it’s society and its influence will grow. If a country continues to average below 2.1 its soceity and influence will slowly disappear.

Basic #3: Examples: Let’s examine some examples of current birthrates. (Statistics from the 2006 revised United Nations Population Prospects report)

India: (Historically 6-8. Currently . . .) 2.81
USA: 2.05 (and is the only Highly Developed Nation to be near replacement).
United Kingdom: 1.6
Japan: 1.27
World average: 2.55 (and dropping).

So, in general, poorer and less developed countries (e.g Africa, Middle East, Asia) are higher than replacement. Richer and more developed countries (Western Europe, Japan) are below replacement.

The most conservative estimates are that the world population will grow to 8-9 billion people and then fall rapidly.

Why are birthrates falling all over the world? Let’s look at 3 reasons for falling birthrates. (Can you guess?)

3 reasons for falling birthrates:

According to Ben Wattenberg, in his book Fewer, there are a number of reasons for the falling birthrates. I’d like to share 3 of the most important.

Reason #1: Urbanization: According to the Worldwatch Institute’s “State of the World” report, as of 2008 it is estimated that half the world's population lives in cities (especially in poorer countries). On farms, children are an asset. In a city, they are a liability.

Reason #2: Women’s rights: As women in a country are better educated and in the work force they tend to have less children during their lifetime.

Reason #3: Contraception & Abortion: A wider availability of contraception and abortion reduce the number of births.

There are more reasons than this but I think these are the most significant. Let’s finally look at some consequences of a falling birthrate.

3 consequences of falling birthrates:

Consequence #1: Upside down societies: In countries with falling birth rates, a few young people will end up having to take care of a lot of old people. This is illustrated in our own country by the problems with Social Security. It’s much worse in other societies.

Consequence #2: Changing cultures: Can anyone guess what the #1 boy's name in England was last year? Michael? John? William? Nigel? Colin? Andrew? Harry? No, the #1 name for boys in England was Mohamed! With a shrinking native population many European countries are turning to immigration to maintain their work forces. Much of that is coming from the Muslim world. There are parts of London that practice Sharia Law. It is not inconceivable that some countries in Europe will be Islamic Republics in our lifetime. The cultures with high birth rates remain. The ones with low birth rates eventually disappear.

Consequence #3: Economic turmoil: If you ran a business, how would you like the idea of a rapidly shrinking population? The world population has been growing for over 600 years and so we don’t really know what will happen with a falling population. It’s happened at a micro level in certain areas but not a macro level. Imagine what a rapidly falling population would do to schools, housing, transportation, or the food industry. Perhaps over time things will naturally adjust but in the short run there will be economic turmoil.

Conclusion:

As I have hinted, we are going down a road we have not travelled before and no one quite knows what will happen to our world. I am comforted that America seems to be holding steady. That's important to maintain our society and our way of life. I am sure that many of would say that our families are the most important thing in the world to us personally. Well, it turns out they’re important to the world too. Keep up the good work.

I'm Addicted!

With my back troubles, swimming has become my main source of exercise. Naively, I thought that all I'd need to practice this sport was a swimsuit (and that only because of modesty!). Wrong! There is nothing more addicting than swimming paraphernalia. Let me tell you my sad story. 

I quickly realized that goggles were a must, unless I wanted to bang into the walls. So I headed to the local swimming paraphernalia dealers in the area, the seemingly good folk at the Swim Depot. Now, you'd think purchasing a set of goggles would solve my vision issues. Wrong, again! There's the annoying issue of fog. Any swimmer worth his chlorine will work up enough heat to fog up the inside of his or her goggles and then you're banging into walls again. Some swear by spit, but my saliva seems to have limited de-fogging capabilities. So, purchase number two, at the Swim Depot, was a little bottle of de-fogger drops. 

Then, after experiencing plugged ears for several hours after each swim session, I quickly acquired a set of earplugs - the Swim Depot conveniently had several styles to choose from. Now you'd think I'd be set after this, but that's just the nature of addiction. Like many bad habits, it starts with peer pressure. 

I saw other swimmers. These superior athletes seemed to slice through the water like sharks, and they had weird things attached to their bodies. After a few judicious questions, I found out that one thing they had were hand-paddles attached with rubber tubing. These paddles come in all kinds of styles and colors but they all supposedly increase resistance (giving you a better work out) and help encourage better technique. Well, I thought such things were too wonderful for me, so I just watched them jealously for a while until . . . I found some paddles stuck in the drain under the edge of the pool! They just needed new rubber tubing. I couldn't resist trying them out. I later learned that the paddles I found were really ideal for women but what did I care! I was now one of the elites (or at least looked like them). You might notice that this was the only item, so far, for which Swim Depot was not the supplier, although I suspect they may planted them there - a free sample, so to speak.

Like with drugs, you start with something simple and you move to the harder stuff. I now had paddles. These isolate the arms, so most swimmers don't use their legs when they use the paddles. Do you just drag your legs awkwardly through the water? No, you have to get a buoy. A buoy is a piece of foam that you hold between your legs and it keeps your lower body afloat while your paddled arms churn away. Back at the Swim Depot, I found myself shelling out more money for a buoy that was just right for my rather hefty frame. 

So far, I was a regular user of a swimsuit, goggles (with de-fogger), earplugs, hand-paddles, and a (leg) buoy. That was just the beginning. 

If you start using paddles, it's almost impossible to resist the fins. These, of course, do for your legs what the paddles do for your arms. Once again back at the Swim Depot, I checked out a set of fins that were so scientifically sophisticated, I think they had college degrees. I bought them. I couldn't help it, of course. Fins are great fun, too. You can really power through the water. I think I was creating major white water for the poor folk swimming on either side of me! 

Here's my problem. I want to improve as a swimmer. This is fatal if you are trying to kick the swim paraphernalia habit. With the swim snorkel, resistance was futile. 

I remember the first time I saw one. It was like seeing a mythical beast. I had to rub my eyes. In the lane next to me was a man wearing one of the strangest things I'd ever seen. Yes, it looked a little like a great horn, but it rose up seemingly from the middle of his forehead, and arched up and over his head. The amazing thing about this device is that you don't have to do side breathing. It allows you to stare, fixedly, at the bottom of the pool, breathing freely. Like certain addicts, I was soon on the Internet checking things out in the privacy of my own home. I learned that the swim snorkel allows you to focus on the purity of your stroke technique. I couldn't resist, because if there's one thing I now wanted, it was purity. Back to the Swim Depot I went. They were glad to see me, as always. With the swim snorkel, we're talking real money. When you're addicted, you don't think about the money. You just need the fix, and what I craved was breathing freedom.

I can rarely buy just one thing. I forgot to mention that that most people also need a nose plug to go along with the swimming snorkel otherwise you tend to suck water up your nostrils. Thankfully, the Swim Depot has these as well. They are very accommodating. 

To cap it all off, I had to get a cap. There are two reasons for this. First, when I swim, I seemingly have 10 pounds of swim equipment strapped tightly to my head and the cap provides a thin layer of cushioning. And, my increasingly bald head needs protection from the frequent Southern California sunshine, so the cap is helpful there too. Drug dealers often try to hang out near schools to get kids started on these vile habits. In the case of the cap, I found the Swim Depot had set up a convenient booth right outside the pool where I usually swim. (I think there was a big meet that weekend). I felt compelled to buy a cap. I had a choice between the cheaper cap or the better quality, long-lasting one. By now, I was fully addicted and nothing but the best would do. Swim Depot, once again, was benefiting from my lack of self-control. 

Let's count: 1. Swimsuit, 2. goggles (with de-fogger bottle), 3.  two earplugs, 4.  two hand-paddles, with tubing, 5. leg buoy, 6.  two fins, 7. swim snorkel, 8. nose plug, 9. swim cap. If I am counting correctly, I could potentially wear 12 pieces of individual equipment in the water, if I wore every little bit. 

That's just when I'm in the water. But there's more stuff I don't even use in the water. My swimming sessions would be intolerable without the following: a water bottle, my timing watch, my large Nike swim bag (a gift from my wife, so she's co-dependent), my net-bag for wet items, my extra tubing (in case the ones in my hand-paddles break), sun lotion, a padlock for my locker, my flip-flops, and the various toiletry items, towels (a super shammy, no less), and the clothes I need for showering and changing afterwards. I even have back-up goggles and swimsuit in case something happens to my usual ones. 

All I wanted, at the beginning, was an effective way to exercise. Little did I know I was being drawn, inexorably, to a full-blown swim paraphernalia addiction. It has cost me time. It has cost me money. It has cost me much of my dignity (see above). And, can you believe it, Swim Depot has denied all wrong doing. 

$2.78 worth of Joy

It doesn't take much to make me happy. One of my favorite rituals is going to Costco for lunch. Certainly, getting a pizza slice and soda for only $2.78 is a great deal, but there's much more to it than that. For this simple soul, there is something much more sublime about my weekly pilgrimage to that 'Hallowed Warehouse'. (Here, I am pictured happily purchasing my economical lunch. If you had a powerful magnifying glass you could indeed verify the negligible cost of my magnificent meal).


First of all, there's that feeling of privilege as you flash your membership card at the door. While it is true that just about anyone can pay the nominal fee for a membership, it still feels rather important and exclusive. "Well, at least we don't let any of those 'Smart & Final' losers in here!" I think, as I cruise past the featured items near the door.


Next, there is dining, chez Costco. There are two (very successful) eating establishments that have very limited menus in the Southland. The first is In-N-Out, and the other is Costco. Of course, it used to be only hot dogs (or polish dogs) but lately the diversity has positively gotten out of control with the addition of pizza, salads, deserts, turkey wraps, and even the mysterious Chicken Bake. As you can see, I'm a solid pizza and soda guy. The slices are huge and I favor the combo toppings. Despite that, one slice is not-quite-enough for my robust metabolism. But that's OK. You see, at Costco, the meal has only just begun when the pizza is done! I head out into the bowels of the warehouse where the famous Costco samples await. Each week, I enjoy a new culinary adventure. Who knows what goodies will complete my meal?


I have learned that I should start at the back of the store and work my way forward. This way, I can nearly simulate a typical 4 course meal. The back often features meat samples such as pot roast, sausage, or baked salmon. Yum! As I work my way forward I eagerly cruise past the frozen section where various prepared foods are my second sample course: ravioli, mini-pizza bites, teriyaki bowl, for example. The next section features somewhat pedestrian items such as yogurt, flavored rice, or soup. I try a few of these but I'm really looking forward to the section near the registers. There wonderful cookies, chocolates, or chopped up energy bars await. Sometimes, I even dine on nuts, gummy bears, or fruit-roll-up samples. It's the perfect way to finish off the feast. Life is like Costco samples; you never know what you're gonna get.


Not only is my weekly trip appetizing, but it's also good fun. Unfortunately, some of my fun comes at the expense of the earnest sample people. I am not sure what labor pool the samplers are drawn from but, at the very least, they are not culinary experts. Still, they are given a list of the important attributes of their particular food product which they are instructed to triumphantly declare to you as you pass by: "All Sugar-free, an eez in 3 flavors!", "Only 11.3 ounces for $4.75!", or "Dis chicken eez made from de all natural products!" It's never quite right. (On the left, I interact with this gentleman about the various merits of his cookies). Since they seem like experts, I'll often, for my own amusement, press them for further information, "Ah! These Belgian chocolates are excellent!" I'll say, "Do you prefer them to the French?" The honest ones say "I do not know, but zay are reelly good!". And, indeed, they are and I end up buying a package or two of them. I have this funny feeling that there's a good chance my "free" lunch often translates to increased sales for Costco. So, who is really having their lunch eaten?


I look forward to my time at Costco each week. I'm not the only one. There is a fraternal bond for those who know the 'secret' of Costco. We sit smiling knowingly at one another. There's a mystery to it. Why, for example, in this indoor environment, are there Hebrew National umbrellas over the tables? The conversation is casual and lighthearted but deep down we know that we are sharing something very special . . . and all for only $2.78! Are you missing out on joy?