Friday, October 5, 2007

A Bald-Faced Truth


Would it surprise you to know that I am considering hair restoration? Yes, I have become quite follicly-challenged these days.

I think we can all agree that, in general, women are the vainer sex. But when it comes to hair, on the head, at least, men are very sensitive. It's difficult for a man to loose his hair. He feels less attractive, less confident, less of a man. Those infomercials from Hair Club for Men don't help. In the "Before" scene, they show a photo of a dour-looking bald man that resembles a mug shot because this man is obviously guilty of extreme ugliness. Then, in the "After" scene, they show the same man with a full head of hair being "attacked" by a gorgeous woman. That sends a powerful message.

My dad is bald. Geneticists are quick to remind us that one does not inherit balding from one's father but rather from ones' maternal grandfather. My maternal grandfather died somewhat prematurely when I was nine years old so I don't really remember his status in this regard. My grandmother assured me that he had a full head of hair, so I thought I was safe. As a result of this, and lacking proper respect for my elders, I would tease my Dad about his baldness. I even wrote a poem about it. I was quite the "versiologist" back then. Here's what I wrote:

This Dad of mine,
his head doth shine,
because he has no hair.
And I don't mind,
as long as mine,
stays completely there.
Of course, my Dad is having the last laugh. I remember the day I first noticed I was loosing my hair. My judicious wife had observed this already and did her best to shield me from the truth, but one photo got through. It was the end of my innocence. (Much to my chagrin, I also took note at this time that my body seemed to be making up for the lack of hair on top by growing it abundantly in other places such as my ears, eyebrows, and nostrils - places I certainly did not want any extra).

Naturally, my hunt for a cure began. I did the Rogaine thing for a while. Lot's of smelly ointment for relatively little increased hairiness. The Internet was a rich source of information. It's amazing what lengths men will go to for great locks. I got a kick out of the following home remedies and historical cures for baldness:

Boil 1 cup mustard oil with 4 tablespoons of henna leaves.
Filter and bottle. Massage bald patches regularly.

Scrub the bald area with an onion until it becomes red. Follow up by applying honey over patch.

Rub on the scalp with 1 teaspoon oil in which raw mangoes have been preserved for over one year. Repeat frequently.

From ancient times:

Aristotle used a topical application of goat's urine to try and cure his own baldness. ( I guess great intelligence only takes you so far).

Hippocrates preferred treating his balding patients with pigeon droppings and the ancient Egyptians used rancid Hippo fat.

Yikes! I thought the idea was to attract gorgeous women, not repel them!

Finally, I read the best article ever! The research showed that the reason men loose their hair is an overabundance of testosterone. I realized, with a shiver of joy, that maybe loosing my hair wasn't such a bad thing after all. Maybe it was confirming what my wife has known for a long time - I'm loosing my hair because I am a total stud!

I guess I don't need hair restoration after all.

2 comments:

damonm55 said...

Cheap alternative;

Ch-ch-ch-chia!

Duncan Parlett said...

That would only help if I wanted to be an Alfalfa head!